A Daughter's Lamentation

He sits by the phone,
wondering who might answer.
Drunk again, he weaves in and out of awareness -
commiserating with loneliness.

Carefully plotting to get a willful listener,
he cries into his glass of vodka,
practicing his sorrow to avoid
the familiar dial tone.

This morning he was a man of
brilliance and insight -
the smartest I have ever known

Yet by nightfall,
his slurred recitations
and redundant belligerance
has stripped him naked.

He remains a has been -
an old, tired, drunk,
who lost his soul
to a bottle of illusions.

TOOTHACHE

Mouth
suffer
constant pain
drilling like
a jack-hammer
into my brain
frustrated
hurt
SCREAM
chills
fever
corruption
from a simple
toothache
or is it in my head?
AHHHHHHHH

Floating in Stillness

I have been lingering
inside this space
of solitude -

a space
of hope
and insight;

wandering effortlessly
in and out

of time
and
reality.

I have found
a piece of
my lost soul;

grabbing it
as it fluttered
by.

I have roused
what I thought
was dormant
forever;

waking from
a disturbed
sleep.

I have
found
my
voice
and
have
shouted:

I
AM
ALIVE

Gustav

Pitter
patter
the rain
scatters,

erasing
whole
cities.

Gusts
of angry
dust,

sweep
memories
away.

Blood
of the
flood,

is carried
downstream,

as the women
pray
that their
children
will be saved

from nature's
angry wrath.

It's been ten days since I've written, and I am stumbling
on empty words to fill my pages once again.
I don't know if I am just blocking the world, or
what is happening.... but I really am having a hard time.

Perhaps it's because life is busy again
- too busy to enjoy - to listen, and think,
and to have no interruptions for beauty.
Perhaps it because the one I love doesn't appreciate
words - or poetry, so I find it hard to be inspired.

Maybe it's because I can't think of something
beautiful to write - but only words of sadness and desperation
- words that leave a reader lost.

I don't know the reason, but I am jumbled and stuck.
I just wanted those of you who read to know
why the blog has been lifeless.

Thanks for reading,

Jackie

Lost

Sometimes I crave your freedom -
your ability to turn words into
symmetry,
fling yourself into blank paper
and cover it with
nostalgic memories.

I have become a hostage
in my own head,

unable to create
unable to purify
this morbid existence.

While you wrap yourself
around syllables of poetic bliss,

I fill up my pages with
chaos –
cloudy thoughts that
steal beauty
and force darkness.

I want to bite from that stillness

corrupt my head

with your sunshine

and silence.

Confinement

You say you cannot stay,
unwilling or afraid.

I never know with you...

Settle down in these sheets,
and rest your head a minute.

Just try to breathe.

I can prepare a sonnet in my head,
but you only want me in this bed.

The stillness of poetry is unsettling.

You say you cannot think abstractly,
only in linear space
where two bodies merge
and language is useless.

I imagine a broken funnel between us
where I spill the words effortlessly
and they disappear somewhere near reason
and insanity.

Dropped like a sharp C on your broken piano.

You say you want to leave -
that these thoughts are too deep.

My mouth just bleeds
words like seeds.

Let me go then
Let me be the one
to solidify my needs.

Absolut

Swaying softly in the music
the drunk takes a bow

wrapping around his words
with slurred annoyance.

Seeking to end it all,
he continues to babble
incoherently

about life and possibilities.

The woman
across the table ridicules:

the poor man’s sorrow is another
man’s laughter.

We are stuck in time
which doesn’t exist.

He is stuck in a moment
captured by Vodka
hoping that someone will
take him home and let
him pour out his misery.

In Memory

I have been trying to think of the words to say for a few days. One of the dearest friends I have ever known passed away ten years ago, on July 17th and I never got to say goodbye. For you Clyde, Goodbye my sweet friend:


Clyde’s Return

We watch silently as the
Flowers bloom, spreading their
Beauty over the earth.

We await him each year
As he says hello to us from
His garden.

We have moved on,
Yet the garden remains,
Seeking to turn a lonely
Place into a refuge.


"All That We Let In"
Indigo Girls

Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up
Heartsick we nursed along the way we picked up
You may not see it when it's sticking to your skin
But we're better off for all that we let in

Lost friends and loved ones much too young
So much promises and work left undone
When all that guards us is a single centerline
And the brutal crossing over when it's time

Oooooooo(I don't know where it all begins)
Oooooooo(And I don't know where it all will end)
Oooooooo(We're better off for all that we let in)

One day those toughies will be withered up and bent
The father son the holy warriors and the president
With glory days of put up dukes for all the world to see
Beaten into submission in the name of the free
We're in anevolution I have heard it said
Everyone's so busy now but do we move ahead
The planets hurting and atoms splitting
And a sweater for your love you sit there knitting

Oooooooo(I don't know where it all begins)
Oooooooo(And I don't know where it all will end)
Oooooooo(We're better off for all that we let in)

See those crosses on the side of the road
Tied with ribbons in the medium
They make me grateful I can go this far
Lay me down and never wake me up again
Kat writes a poem and she sticks it on my truck
We don't believe in war and we don't believe in luck
The birds were calling to her what were they saying
As the gate blew open the tops of the trees were swaying
I've passed the cemetery walk my dog down there
I read the names in stone and say a silent prayer
When I get home you're cooking supper on the stove
And the greatest gift of life is to know love

Oooooooo(I don't know where it all begins)
Oooooooo(And I don't know where it all will end)
Oooooooo(We're better off for all that we let in)

Random

MUSIC
Cling
Grasp
Choke

Erase
Feed
Wipe
Cleanse
Stir
Soak
Unfettered
Tied
Hands caressed
Heart obsessed
Bleeding of uncertainty
Insecurity
Serenity

Jacob’s Freedom

Jacob stared vacantly out the window as the palm trees gently brushed the balcony. He could see their movement, but couldn’t grasp what was happening. He had seen the trees move before – wildly sometimes even, but normally Jacob only saw them in their stillness as they rested upright reaching towards the sun. Below, the beach was layered with people wearing underclothing, occasionally sprinkled with naked breasts and sun-kissed private parts. Jacob knew that he shouldn’t stare at the women, but was fascinated by the way that their nakedness seemed to free them. He couldn’t think of a better way to let the water stroke a body, and imagined it must be the same feeling that he gets in the morning, when his mother pulls off his clothing and makes him stand in the curtain covered white room, where the water splatters across his body from the metal thing above.


He wanted so much to run down to the beach and take off his shorts, but couldn’t get the meaning out of his mouth. He never could - he didn’t know how people moved their mouths back and forth to make words, but he understood when people made the sounds. He began to tap the window loudly with his fists, hoping that someone could hear him.


His mother walked in “Jacob honey, do you want something?” He bounced his head up and down pointing sideways with his jaw at the ocean below.

“You want the beach sweetheart?”Jacob nodded fervently, pushing his hands down on his shorts to show her that he wanted to take his clothes off.

His mother laughed, “honey, you can’t go out there naked – it’s only what grown-ups do.” He balked – banging his head into the glass.

“Oh honey, I understand – you’ve never been to the ocean before. Let’s get your sister and see if she wants to go swimming, k?”

Jacob looked out the window again, rocking quietly back and forth as his mother called in her high-pitched voice to his sister. He wanted to get into that water, and let it push him around like the other people were doing. Back and forth, he swayed. The colors below melted into him. As the indigo water kissed the white sandy ground, a kind of foam would emerge, reaching towards the sprawled out bodies. Jacob thought that the water was trying to touch them to make them free too.


Sarah bounced into the room smiling. “Hi Jake, what’cha doing?” Jacob rocked, and flapped his hands towards the window- grinning from excitement.

Sarah grabbed his hand, nodding approvingly at the Curaçao coast. “Let’s go – Dad can help you into the water.”

Jacob beamed, and continued to flap as he pounded his sandals into the ground after her. Sarah walked fast, her steps quick and calculating. Jacob watched her feet as he followed her down to the blueness. Behind him, he could hear his father’s voice telling his mother goodbye. Stomp, stomp, stomp, went the feet around him. Splash, splash, splash, went the water. Jacob swayed from side-to-side in anticipation.

“You excited buddy?” His father asked from behind.

“Uhhhh,” Jacob moaned, extending his neck to stretch his voice. He knew his father would understand – he always did. Even when Jacob was still and couldn’t communicate with motion, his father could read his fragmented thoughts, and would show him that he understood what nobody else could.

Sarah flipped her sandals off and sprinted towards the beach, kicking sand behind her as she ran. Jacob stopped abruptly and pulled his head upwards to watch his sister. He wanted to see if her face showed the familiar freedom that he had noticed all morning. As she stepped into the ocean, Sarah turned to face them, grinning from ear to ear, and Jacob knew that she felt it. He decided then that being naked wasn’t important, because his sister had on her underclothes and she was free. His father gently wrapped his fingers around Jacob’s wrist, signaling that he also understood.

Jacob turned towards his father, bobbing his head to let him know he was ready, and they began to walk towards the water. The women that he saw earlier were laying on brightly colored towels, their bodies soaking in the sunlight. Jacob started to move his hands, carrying his father’s with him as he swayed.

“Alright Jake, let’s take off your shirt and get in – I’ll be right next to you the whole time.”

Jacob moved his arms towards the sky allowing his father to take his shirt off. Without hesitation, Jacob grabbed his father’s hand and guided them into freedom, smiling broadly as he took his first step into the ocean.

The End

Surrounded

Beauty of Being
No words necessary
Thoughts become feelings
Feelings have no language
Expression is emotion
Happy becomes one
One becomes love
We exist together
Unified by God
Who is He?
And am I?
Woe is me
Who are you?
We are Love,
We are God

We are truth

So set us free