ERASED

Caught somewhere in between
reality and the unseen

where havoc is the norm
and quietude begs form

"Fall down with me," you plead

Please ,
Just let me Breathe

You've left a vacancy here
Where everything that used to be clear

is gone - fallen somewhere else
erased and no longer felt

I am just a fragment
aching to remember
what used to be

but no longer clings to me

For Matthew

My wonderful cousin Matthew died last Monday - December 28th at age 35. He was a beautiful person, a wonderful chef, and like a brother to me. It's so hard to even write about, the grief that I feel for his mother, who lost her only other child, Dylan, just three years ago. After Dyl died, their father died just 6 weeks later, and it seemed that the grief was too tremendous for both my Aunt Pam and Matthew to bear, but they managed to struggle through the turmoil despite their pain. Now Matthew is gone, and I can't imagine why Pam must bear this sorrow for a second time. Why???

I certainly don't know the answer and it's really hard to imagine why God would want a mother to suffer this way - EVER. There was a quote today that made their deaths seem less permanent - and allowed me to make it a few hours without crying. It said "How do you know if your mission in life has been accomplished? If you're still alive, it hasn't been." So perhaps Dylan was here to show people about true compassion and love for animals, and he did this in his short 29 years. Maybe Matthew was here to show people how food can be transformed into a world of its own, full of perfection, and splendor. I DO know that they weren't here long enough, and I miss them both terribly.

The following poem came to me two nights after Matt's death - I like to hope he was trying to communicate with me because the same thing happened at his brother's funeral:

New Beginning

My body has left you
In silence
I had become a hostage to its
Limitations –

But do not weep,
I am now free

Saved from this tired game of life

I have floated
Into a space where dreams
Can be made –
And masterpieces accomplished

Where pain is only a thought
And love is my truth

Stop now
for just a moment
and remember me:

When your taste buds explore
Your next gourmet meal
Think of me
And the small dreams I lived while here

When a gentle breeze touches your cheek
Or a warm sunset rests upon the earth,

Remember me
I am now free

Able to share my truth
With you from afar

I am just a thought away -

So close your eyes
Remember me

I am now free
I am now free

Collect Me

As I watch you spill over the room
and flitter between here and there
and everywhere in between,

I realize you have become my light source,
and I feed upon your energy
like a dying plant
awaiting its moment in the sun.

Sometimes I shout from my head
that I ache for you to collect a piece of me
as you breeze through my life.

But then my mouth fills the room
with empty air,
and you disappear
once again - leaving me to wonder:

Do you even exist?

Love me

Beautiful body

BETRAYED

Someone cares

somewhere

in this world

between phone calls

and emails

sympathetic voices

and regrettful tones

Cancer is just another phrase

really

just another way for the world to

try and knock you down.

Hope is what prevails -

and

love...

from someone

somewhere

someday

Beautiful body

BETRAYED

Selfishly Suffering

I move with stilted sorrow –
the weight of my worry
and my body pushes the pain
naturally downward.

I walk with flaccid feeling –
the shadow of my former self
drags despondently
behind me.

I cry with dismal distress –
the jealous stain of time

streaking and wreaking

havoc into my face.

What might have been?
Who shall I become?

Can Ye guide me?

I am pleading:

Save me

before I falter or

fail

in my misery.

Newborn

Glory is here
stealing hearts
and giving hope
once again

Glory is here
opening doors
that had been closed
for too long

Glory is here
waiting to shower
you with love
and insight

Glory is here
ready to embrace
the world with
her beauty

Praise be to Glory
Hallelujah

Reign Over Me

This

Pounding
Pouring
Rain

Splashes
and
Subsumes
me

As
the
Weeping
Water

Flushes
my soul

I Float
away

Drenched
with
your
Divinity

Tomorrow

Fill hope into this empty shell
come inside and wrap me in reason

I have been a vacant tower for too long

-It's Time -

Gather the spring air and perennial joy
and shower the freshness upon me

The hollow tears will evaporate
and only a resin of pain shall remain

I am Ready.

Illusion of Death

Freedom is believing
and eventually knowing
that life is beyond our control -

that the Ego is simply a fantasy
and that Love is the only truth.

Freedom is happiness and joy
awareness and hope.

We all seek to be free -
but cannot seem to let go of
the prisons which bound us.

It is so simple to theorize about
yet so difficult to do.

So, I compell each of you
to start believing and
eventually start knowing -

that Freedom is Love
and Love shall save us all.

Surgery

So, I'm getting surgery tomorrow on my ankle -
and I'm not going to lie - I'm totally scared! Silly me -
I know in my heart of hearts that I will be fine and that
God has blessed me, etc, etc. but that doesn't change the
fear! Everytime I think about it, I have a mini panic attack.
My heart races, my head spins, and I feel overwhelmed.

I haven't been able to write lately - I don't know if it's just
lack of inspiration or if I have been too self-absorbed
(never an excuse -and the ego is a poor reason to not write!).
Either way, I am hoping if nothing else, that the surgery
will allow me time to reflect -and write some beautiful poetry,
since I will be home in bed with nothing to do! My mom is
coming to visit and to take care of me...(she knows I'm a big
baby and need to be treated like a princess!)

So to my few faithful readers out there -
I will be back....hopfully with more thoughts
of spiritual freedom!

XO
Jackie

Remembrance

Note: This was written a few years ago...but since the War is ongoing, I thought I would repost.

While the angry air floats by
While innocence is corrupted
While violence seduces soldiers

I close my eyes and remember you

Your touch simplifies loss
Your smile drowns sadness
Your embrace silences destruction

Touch me with your simplicity
Embrace my silence
Cover me with your love

I am holding
I am aching
I am waiting
To remember you

Philisophical Torment

The media writes chaos into our lives -

Each story
Every voice
reaches out to the weak and torments them.

Many can see a light through their negative portrayals
of the world;

and as the bloodshed and horror tear across tv screens and
newspaper headings,

those with hopeful hearts and peaceful spirits see
beauty and love
underlying the illusion.

Pray for humanity -
Pray for love -

For darkness is merely an error
waiting to be enveloped by light....