My Tug of War

Shine on me
now

Open this
heart

Make it feel
hope

It gets stuck
still -

In between
sun

And cloudy
rain

Can you fix
me

again before
blue

wraps itself
in?

Or have I
lost

you again
friend?

Sunrise save
me

Before I
fall

Inside these
thoughts

of lonely
dread...

Before you
came

Sun left me
burnt

But now your
light

warms my cold
heart

and I am
free

safe from
me

The Battle

Come wrestle my solid heart
Throw those words at me again
It's nothing new - you fall apart
and I am left to pretend
That you will change and love me,
without my having to plead

I lost that battle long ago
You picked her grain and spirit
and wrapped her from head to toe
While I became the culprit
of hope and tireless shame
Just an empty shell to blame

This is the last time for me
the end - my final goodbye
Time to let go and be free
mend the love that's gone awry
and remember the good man
that once held my fragile hand

The battle is over now
the man with nine lives has won
stumble and fall - take a bow
your star performance is done
the poor frail body survives
but your mind takes a nosedive

Goodbye old man - -
Goodbye old man

This Moment

Capture it Now

Remember it Always

For there won't be another

Like it - Ever again

Hold it Close

Breathe it in

Feel the Pain or

Pleasure it brings

See

Smell

Touch

Taste

This moment

It will be gone

In an instant

Love

Every

Second

Live

Every

Minute

And

You

Might

Just be lucky

enough to make it

to the next moment

Soul's Whisper

The wind in my heart blows
through me with fervor
unleashed from complacency,
taking the world by storm.

The wind in my heart carries
me from yesterday into today,
providing strength to move
these moments as they pass.

The wind in my heart forces
the freedom within to awaken,
allowing personal integrity
to wrap itself around me.

The wind in my heart guides
my soul with its whisper,
blowing through my body
as your love surrounds me.

Bring Me to Silence

The turmoil begins

Wreaking havoc with my mind

I wait for stillness to arrive

Like a forrest waits for rain -

Quiet and desperate

Craving freedom and life

Thoughts move through me

With a wild impatience

I'm left here wondering again:

Can you save me?

From me?

Sunrise

As I sit in silence
Learning from afar
Every place becomes
Xanadu

A Kingdom of purity&
Nostalgic hope
Dare to dream -OR

Realize that truth
Initially scares us
Away....

Crying for more

Doubting Heart

I sit and wait for change
Like a plant waits for its moment
In the sun

Hoping the rays of light
Will lead me happily into the
Future

I ache to live without regret
Full of life and inspiration
True and free

Clinging to pieces of myself
That have been lost
For so long

I wrap myself in the dream
That love is not an
Aberration

Forcing the light upon me
In a tunnel full
Of darkness

I pray for guidance
Strength, insight
And Serenity

Questioning the One
To whom I pray:
Are you real?

I ask the Universe
To set me free -
Let me be me

Stop

Slipping
into self-pity,
silently shedding
the sentiments
of yesterday
and embracing
the shadows
of today

Seeking
sorrow
and sympathy
so that you
can see
how you've
emotionally
seduced me

Stealing
a piece of my soul
sharing it
with so many
while stripping me
slowly

of me

Hollow

Like a vacant house
My body's been stripped
Naked

Awaiting the day it can
Be clothed again
With love

And hope

It sits housing a soul
Full of regret
And sorrow

Bruised from within

Hollow
and
Empty

ERASED

Caught somewhere in between
reality and the unseen

where havoc is the norm
and quietude begs form

"Fall down with me," you plead

Please ,
Just let me Breathe

You've left a vacancy here
Where everything that used to be clear

is gone - fallen somewhere else
erased and no longer felt

I am just a fragment
aching to remember
what used to be

but no longer clings to me

For Matthew

My wonderful cousin Matthew died last Monday - December 28th at age 35. He was a beautiful person, a wonderful chef, and like a brother to me. It's so hard to even write about, the grief that I feel for his mother, who lost her only other child, Dylan, just three years ago. After Dyl died, their father died just 6 weeks later, and it seemed that the grief was too tremendous for both my Aunt Pam and Matthew to bear, but they managed to struggle through the turmoil despite their pain. Now Matthew is gone, and I can't imagine why Pam must bear this sorrow for a second time. Why???

I certainly don't know the answer and it's really hard to imagine why God would want a mother to suffer this way - EVER. There was a quote today that made their deaths seem less permanent - and allowed me to make it a few hours without crying. It said "How do you know if your mission in life has been accomplished? If you're still alive, it hasn't been." So perhaps Dylan was here to show people about true compassion and love for animals, and he did this in his short 29 years. Maybe Matthew was here to show people how food can be transformed into a world of its own, full of perfection, and splendor. I DO know that they weren't here long enough, and I miss them both terribly.

The following poem came to me two nights after Matt's death - I like to hope he was trying to communicate with me because the same thing happened at his brother's funeral:

New Beginning

My body has left you
In silence
I had become a hostage to its
Limitations –

But do not weep,
I am now free

Saved from this tired game of life

I have floated
Into a space where dreams
Can be made –
And masterpieces accomplished

Where pain is only a thought
And love is my truth

Stop now
for just a moment
and remember me:

When your taste buds explore
Your next gourmet meal
Think of me
And the small dreams I lived while here

When a gentle breeze touches your cheek
Or a warm sunset rests upon the earth,

Remember me
I am now free

Able to share my truth
With you from afar

I am just a thought away -

So close your eyes
Remember me

I am now free
I am now free

Collect Me

As I watch you spill over the room
and flitter between here and there
and everywhere in between,

I realize you have become my light source,
and I feed upon your energy
like a dying plant
awaiting its moment in the sun.

Sometimes I shout from my head
that I ache for you to collect a piece of me
as you breeze through my life.

But then my mouth fills the room
with empty air,
and you disappear
once again - leaving me to wonder:

Do you even exist?