New Year's Resolution

The essence of being
seasonless during the
winter month of
December haunts me

Snow-capped mountains,
and children sledding;
trucks plowing,
and men shoveling

Images that are
merely memories,
appear in my mind's
rear-view mirror -

Fading in the
distance like
the narrow streets
in St. Croix

As I drive these
littered streets
I let it all
fall behind

Living now
- this moment -
commands me
more than ever

Yet I cannot
seem to let
the yesterdays go
and the todays begin

Post Traumatic WHAT?

Last night I curled up
in a ball and learned
for the first time
what PTSD really is

A disease that rots a person
from the inside -
tears their wounds open
like an amputated limb

Last night I learned
that 8 years can feel
like only 8 seconds
and what time machines do:

They transport you back
to the moment your brain
stopped working and
your heart stopped beating

Correctly

Last night I learned
about war and tried
to remember what
peace felt like

The profundity of
these lessons seep
into my dreams
and I am rattled

For only by remembering
the horrible
the terrible
the despicable
can we truly forget

Insomnia

The notes of your
heart ring through
my head - beating
thoughts like the drums
of sadness you play

"Boom Boom Boom"
- they pound -
leaving me tossing
through another
sleepless night

Oh how I await the
day for your melodious
sounds to cease
so that I may finally
close my eyes
and be left
in silence

Humble Me

How can I weep
When the sun rises
every day and shines
its warmth upon me?

My lonely friend
sadness has left
me again,

But do not worry
I am not alone

My constant companion
nostalgia has been
wrapping itself
around my soul
and giving me hope

these rising
suns are a reminder
that love still shines
and lifts me up
from my
despair

Apology

I play you
back and forth
like a pinball
changing from
good to bad
happy to sad
in an instant

I throw my
brown frown
on you
like you're
the ground
when really
I should praise you,
give you a crown

I crumble inside
to think that
I made you cry
because of my
fucked up mind
pulling me
everywhere
but to the present
where you
gave me a gift,
symmetry and heaven

I will give you back
the real me -
the one underneath
so we can be free,
instead of hostages
caught somewhere between
the seen and unseen

My Tug of War

Shine on me
now

Open this
heart

Make it feel
hope

It gets stuck
still -

In between
sun

And cloudy
rain

Can you fix
me

again before
blue

wraps itself
in?

Or have I
lost

you again
friend?

Sunrise save
me

Before I
fall

Inside these
thoughts

of lonely
dread...

Before you
came

Sun left me
burnt

But now your
light

warms my cold
heart

and I am
free

safe from
me

The Battle

Come wrestle my solid heart
Throw those words at me again
It's nothing new - you fall apart
and I am left to pretend
That you will change and love me,
without my having to plead

I lost that battle long ago
You picked her grain and spirit
and wrapped her from head to toe
While I became the culprit
of hope and tireless shame
Just an empty shell to blame

This is the last time for me
the end - my final goodbye
Time to let go and be free
mend the love that's gone awry
and remember the good man
that once held my fragile hand

The battle is over now
the man with nine lives has won
stumble and fall - take a bow
your star performance is done
the poor frail body survives
but your mind takes a nosedive

Goodbye old man - -
Goodbye old man

This Moment

Capture it Now

Remember it Always

For there won't be another

Like it - Ever again

Hold it Close

Breathe it in

Feel the Pain or

Pleasure it brings

See

Smell

Touch

Taste

This moment

It will be gone

In an instant

Love

Every

Second

Live

Every

Minute

And

You

Might

Just be lucky

enough to make it

to the next moment

Soul's Whisper

The wind in my heart blows
through me with fervor
unleashed from complacency,
taking the world by storm.

The wind in my heart carries
me from yesterday into today,
providing strength to move
these moments as they pass.

The wind in my heart forces
the freedom within to awaken,
allowing personal integrity
to wrap itself around me.

The wind in my heart guides
my soul with its whisper,
blowing through my body
as your love surrounds me.

Bring Me to Silence

The turmoil begins

Wreaking havoc with my mind

I wait for stillness to arrive

Like a forrest waits for rain -

Quiet and desperate

Craving freedom and life

Thoughts move through me

With a wild impatience

I'm left here wondering again:

Can you save me?

From me?

Sunrise

As I sit in silence
Learning from afar
Every place becomes
Xanadu

A Kingdom of purity&
Nostalgic hope
Dare to dream -OR

Realize that truth
Initially scares us
Away....

Crying for more

Doubting Heart

I sit and wait for change
Like a plant waits for its moment
In the sun

Hoping the rays of light
Will lead me happily into the
Future

I ache to live without regret
Full of life and inspiration
True and free

Clinging to pieces of myself
That have been lost
For so long

I wrap myself in the dream
That love is not an
Aberration

Forcing the light upon me
In a tunnel full
Of darkness

I pray for guidance
Strength, insight
And Serenity

Questioning the One
To whom I pray:
Are you real?

I ask the Universe
To set me free -
Let me be me