playlist

the tunes that
forced your body
to keep rolling
in and out of bed
for 68 years
and 358 days

stay shuffled

it's as if i'm listening
to your journal
with retrospective
melody

moving and grooving
to the sounds
that made you
work that body
into miraculous recovery
every time it was beat down

I thought the music
would stop
the day you left

but then I stumbled
upon your ipod
and there you are
again

announcing your presence
song and rhyme
beating happiness
into my heart

Goodbye

You come in flashes,
taking my hand at times
or simply whispering my name.

Memories wash over me,
flooding my soul
like a river.

But then it is dry again,
and I find myself grasping
to recall:

your voice
your touch
your smell
your essence

SLC feels empty;
somber and stifled;
lonely and still.

A great man has left,

to return home
to all that was before
and shall come after.

I love you Dad,and I miss
your "Top of the Mornings"

Rest in Peace,
until we meet again.

Withdrawal

it's happening again
you: tied down to the bed
with tubes and turmoil
me: crying and pacing
with medicinal hoplessness

this time the madness
isn't leaving you
and i'm left with fragments

memories of the good you
but more of the bad you
spill recklessly over me

my anger defeated by sadness
my hopes defeated by reality

time ticks away slowly
and i'm caught between
its irrelevant hands

wishing it would somehow
end differently but
knowing it will inevitably
end up with you coming home
and thrashing through the house
for the final, hidden bottle

The ghost of poetry
floats haltingly by me,
haunting my creative mind.

Words slip through me
faltering and failing -
robbed of my inability
to create a stanza.

The ghost steals my insight.

Perhaps I have been
flirting with the devil
for too long.

But I'm coming home,
rounding the bend to
a place without hauntings.

हेल्प

It seeps through my brain
and covers me with darkness
for hours - sometimes days

The pain has become
a familiar foe -
I wonder if I ever existed

Or has it always been
this phantom stealing
my thoughts and erasing me?

Memories come and go
like sunrises - only
lasting for a moment

I know I'm in there
somewhere, beneath
this cloud of murkiness

Migraine Migraine
What have you done
to my former self?

I guess I should
go back to sleep
and maybe I will find me

New Year's Resolution

The essence of being
seasonless during the
winter month of
December haunts me

Snow-capped mountains,
and children sledding;
trucks plowing,
and men shoveling

Images that are
merely memories,
appear in my mind's
rear-view mirror -

Fading in the
distance like
the narrow streets
in St. Croix

As I drive these
littered streets
I let it all
fall behind

Living now
- this moment -
commands me
more than ever

Yet I cannot
seem to let
the yesterdays go
and the todays begin

Post Traumatic WHAT?

Last night I curled up
in a ball and learned
for the first time
what PTSD really is

A disease that rots a person
from the inside -
tears their wounds open
like an amputated limb

Last night I learned
that 8 years can feel
like only 8 seconds
and what time machines do:

They transport you back
to the moment your brain
stopped working and
your heart stopped beating

Correctly

Last night I learned
about war and tried
to remember what
peace felt like

The profundity of
these lessons seep
into my dreams
and I am rattled

For only by remembering
the horrible
the terrible
the despicable
can we truly forget

Insomnia

The notes of your
heart ring through
my head - beating
thoughts like the drums
of sadness you play

"Boom Boom Boom"
- they pound -
leaving me tossing
through another
sleepless night

Oh how I await the
day for your melodious
sounds to cease
so that I may finally
close my eyes
and be left
in silence

Humble Me

How can I weep
When the sun rises
every day and shines
its warmth upon me?

My lonely friend
sadness has left
me again,

But do not worry
I am not alone

My constant companion
nostalgia has been
wrapping itself
around my soul
and giving me hope

these rising
suns are a reminder
that love still shines
and lifts me up
from my
despair

Apology

I play you
back and forth
like a pinball
changing from
good to bad
happy to sad
in an instant

I throw my
brown frown
on you
like you're
the ground
when really
I should praise you,
give you a crown

I crumble inside
to think that
I made you cry
because of my
fucked up mind
pulling me
everywhere
but to the present
where you
gave me a gift,
symmetry and heaven

I will give you back
the real me -
the one underneath
so we can be free,
instead of hostages
caught somewhere between
the seen and unseen

My Tug of War

Shine on me
now

Open this
heart

Make it feel
hope

It gets stuck
still -

In between
sun

And cloudy
rain

Can you fix
me

again before
blue

wraps itself
in?

Or have I
lost

you again
friend?

Sunrise save
me

Before I
fall

Inside these
thoughts

of lonely
dread...

Before you
came

Sun left me
burnt

But now your
light

warms my cold
heart

and I am
free

safe from
me

The Battle

Come wrestle my solid heart
Throw those words at me again
It's nothing new - you fall apart
and I am left to pretend
That you will change and love me,
without my having to plead

I lost that battle long ago
You picked her grain and spirit
and wrapped her from head to toe
While I became the culprit
of hope and tireless shame
Just an empty shell to blame

This is the last time for me
the end - my final goodbye
Time to let go and be free
mend the love that's gone awry
and remember the good man
that once held my fragile hand

The battle is over now
the man with nine lives has won
stumble and fall - take a bow
your star performance is done
the poor frail body survives
but your mind takes a nosedive

Goodbye old man - -
Goodbye old man