ERASED

Caught somewhere in between
reality and the unseen

where havoc is the norm
and quietude begs form

"Fall down with me," you plead

Please ,
Just let me Breathe

You've left a vacancy here
Where everything that used to be clear

is gone - fallen somewhere else
erased and no longer felt

I am just a fragment
aching to remember
what used to be

but no longer clings to me

For Matthew

My wonderful cousin Matthew died last Monday - December 28th at age 35. He was a beautiful person, a wonderful chef, and like a brother to me. It's so hard to even write about, the grief that I feel for his mother, who lost her only other child, Dylan, just three years ago. After Dyl died, their father died just 6 weeks later, and it seemed that the grief was too tremendous for both my Aunt Pam and Matthew to bear, but they managed to struggle through the turmoil despite their pain. Now Matthew is gone, and I can't imagine why Pam must bear this sorrow for a second time. Why???

I certainly don't know the answer and it's really hard to imagine why God would want a mother to suffer this way - EVER. There was a quote today that made their deaths seem less permanent - and allowed me to make it a few hours without crying. It said "How do you know if your mission in life has been accomplished? If you're still alive, it hasn't been." So perhaps Dylan was here to show people about true compassion and love for animals, and he did this in his short 29 years. Maybe Matthew was here to show people how food can be transformed into a world of its own, full of perfection, and splendor. I DO know that they weren't here long enough, and I miss them both terribly.

The following poem came to me two nights after Matt's death - I like to hope he was trying to communicate with me because the same thing happened at his brother's funeral:

New Beginning

My body has left you
In silence
I had become a hostage to its
Limitations –

But do not weep,
I am now free

Saved from this tired game of life

I have floated
Into a space where dreams
Can be made –
And masterpieces accomplished

Where pain is only a thought
And love is my truth

Stop now
for just a moment
and remember me:

When your taste buds explore
Your next gourmet meal
Think of me
And the small dreams I lived while here

When a gentle breeze touches your cheek
Or a warm sunset rests upon the earth,

Remember me
I am now free

Able to share my truth
With you from afar

I am just a thought away -

So close your eyes
Remember me

I am now free
I am now free